Enneagram type 4 and 7 relationship problems

On Being a Four - Enneagram Monthly

enneagram type 4 and 7 relationship problems

4. THE INDIVIDUALIST Enneagram Type Four. The Sensitive, Introspective Type: They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. . I have had a trail of relationship disasters. Level 7: When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others. Enneagram Type Four (the Individualist) with Fours and Sevens bring to their relationship the charge and mystery of their Potential Trouble Spots or Issues. Enneagram types aren't going to give you a horoscope reading, your Relationship reminder: Try not to be absorbed by the needs of your significant other and TYPE FOUR: The Romantic. TYPE SEVEN: The Enthusiast.

To build acceptance and appreciation of your differences. Develop flexibility and patience. Supportive structure, clarity, industry and effort, conscientiousness, improvement and fairness in orientation. Pick up your own pace. Take positions and make initiatives.

Face anger and conflict. Type 2, the Giver, with Another Type 2 Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers join together in valuing a focus on relationships and in appreciating the nurturing quality and sensitivity to feelings in each other. Having little awareness of their own needs, however, they may become overly solicitous with each other, compete for approval, and feel unappreciated, unfulfilled, and ironically unconnected.

Failure to get into the natural flow of giving and receiving, can lead to emotional upset and to who is dependent on whom. Ultimately hurt feelings may then ensue leading to angry, emotional outbursts and ultimately to withdrawal or rejection. There just may not be enough flow of giving and receiving to sustain the relationship.

Relationship Development for Givers with Givers: Pride connected to giving leading to tendency to be overly helpfuldifficulty receiving, inattention to own needs, anger when needs go unmet or when feeling unappreciated, over-connection in relationships, and unhealthy focus on gaining approval.

What to Appreciate in Other Givers. Helpfulness, relationship orientation, genuine care and support, positivity, flexibility, and sensitivity to feelings. Express own needs and desires directly and encourage other Giver to do the same. Practice getting into the natural flow of giving and receiving. Conflict occurs when Givers experience Performers as discounting feelings and relationship issues, while Performers experience Givers as getting off task and wanting too much time and attention.

A cycle of increasing conflict can result with the two types polarizing — the Giver feeling rejected, getting emotional, and emoting anger and with the Performer feeling unrecognized and impatient and then disappearing into work. This pattern can result in withdrawal and eventually in alienation end to the relationship. Positive accomplishment orientation, enthusiasm, hopefulness, efficiency, and material support.

Balance relationship and goal orientations. Moderate shared characteristics of intensity, positivity, fast pace, and active force. Directly express own needs and desires. Work on developing receptive force of simply being present in the moment. Inattention to feelings, excessive focus on work and accomplishments, desire for recognition, and shared focus of wanting approval and constructing a good image.

Support and care, relationship orientation, generosity, positivity, flexibility, and sensitivity to the needs and feelings of others.

Balance goal and relationship orientations.

Type Four — The Enneagram Institute

Pay attention to own deeper needs and desires. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 4, the Romantic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers try to satisfy the apparently needy Romantics, attempting to fulfill their needs. They can get caught up in the emotions and intensity of Romantics and lose their own sense of separateness. This cycle could lead to an unraveling of the relationship.

Tendency to overdo helpfulness, desire to keep life up, difficulty with deep and darker feelings, and need for appreciation, approval, and attention.

Intensity, relationship orientation, idealization of what could be, depth of feelings, empathy, and authenticity. Practice steadiness since both types fluctuate emotionally. Work on becoming more self-directed and holding ground, especially in the presence of strong emotions and dissatisfaction. Express own desires and needs. Remind the Romantic of what is positive and present.

Need to feel special, not feeling satisfied or complete resulting in fluctuating emotions, tendency toward self-absorption and amplification of feelings, and difficulty appreciating what is present and positive. Giving and caring quality, positive image, enthusiasm, desire to bring happiness, active forward moving energy, and flexibility.

Work on assisting Givers in referencing to their own needs. Show appreciation and gratitude for the positives in life and for what Givers provide. This relationship is truly an attraction of opposites.

However, in wanting more connection and acknowledgement, Givers try to bring Observers forward into feelings and more sustained contact. Then Givers active energy can feel intrusive, overly emotional, and demanding to Observers, who then contracts and disengages. Angry outbursts, alienation, and even disruption of the relationship can ensue. Tendency to overdo helpfulness and become intrusive and over emotional, need for appreciation, approval and attention, and difficulty sustaining a separate or independent self.

Develop own autonomy or independence and inner life. Work on moderating claims for time, energy, and connection. Encourage the Observer to move forward into life and feelings. Positivity and support, open-heartedness, engagement in life, social skills, generosity, and relationship focus.

Move into feelings and stay engaged in life. Allow for dependency and nurturance. Thus, while appreciating Givers support and care, Loyal Skeptics may back off from or confront what they experience as too much attention.

A cycle of escalating conflict can result polarizing the situation with the Loyal Skeptic getting accusatory and the Giver getting emotional. Withdrawal can ensue as one or the other or both types attempt to reduce distress. Eventually, this pattern can cause a lasting disruption of the relationship.

Tendency to overdo helpfulness, intrusive behavior, need for approval and attention, hidden dependence, and tendency to over influence with emotions. Questioning mind, healthy skepticism, loyalty, concern for underdogs, analytic skills, warmth, and endurance.

Notice and moderate intrusiveness the big forward-moving energyemotional claims, and helpfulness. Practice directness in expressing own needs and desires. Positivity and support, open-heartedness, responsiveness, genuine caring, generosity, and sensitivity to others. Claim own authority and boundaries.

Relationships (Type Combinations) — The Enneagram Institute

State what actually is needed and desired. Encourage Giver to express own autonomy, needs, and desires. Reduce the tendency to magnify what can go wrong. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 7, the Epicure Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Both types enjoy the strengths they share in common — especially flexibility, friendliness and the love of freedom and the good life.

However, Givers can find Epicures overly self-referencing and self-serving, hence not paying enough attention to the relationship or sufficiently reciprocating in give and take. Givers can then feel neglected and unappreciated and become emotional, demanding, and guilt provoking.

Epicures, on the other hand, can find Givers overly focused on others, intrusive, and too needy of attention. A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can occur as the Epicure, feeling smothered and limited, can respond with escapism and rationalization and the Giver with angry outbursts and emotionality, possibly resulting in alienation and deterioration and even destruction of the relationship.

Disowned needs and desires, preoccupation with relationship and connection, and tendency to become inadvertently emotionally controlling. The many interests and ideas, healthy self-interest, idealism, flexibility, and the shared optimism and quest for happiness Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship. Develop autonomy the separate or independent self. Work on providing the Epicure with space while maintaining connection.

Express own deeper feelings, needs, and desires. Allow for slowing pace and increasing receptive force.

enneagram type 4 and 7 relationship problems

Avoidance of painful feelings, difficulty accepting naturally occurring limits, tendency to avoid emotional commitment, and self-referencing to own interests and ideas. Giving and caring nature, strong relationship focus, generosity, and the shared optimism and quest for happiness Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship. Commit to the relationship while asserting boundaries. Allow in feelings and concerns. In turn, the Protector often resists the influence and may react to feeling contained or manipulated with more confrontation and anger.

Feeling rejected and devalued, the Giver may withdraw or burst out in anger and emotion. This all can result in a deep rift in the relationship and repeated cycles of uncontained reactivity leading to destruction of the relationship.

Failure to focus on and express own needs, habit of altering to please, desire for attention and approval, intrusiveness, and potentially inadvertent emotionally manipulative behavior designed to soften and modify Protectors. What to Appreciate in Protectors. Power and strength, assertiveness, encouragement and support of desires, zest for life, directness, and protectiveness. Practice holding ground, expressing self directly, and claiming own needs.

Work at accepting, not changing, the Protector. Develop the separate or independent self. Become aware of and moderate intrusiveness and emotionality that the Protector experiences as controlling.

Genuine care, helpfulness and willingness to give, sensitivity regarding feelings and relationships, and positive active energy. Develop sensitivity to feelings and allow in own vulnerabilities. Manage energy expression and boundaries. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 9, the Mediator Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers and Mediators get along well together because they both are sensitive, pleasing, helpful, and accommodating.

But conflict arises when Givers become overly helpful and intrusive in an effort to get Mediators to set priorities, take initiatives, and say what they need even though Givers have great difficulty themselves with experiencing what they need.

When this pattern persists, the relationship can deteriorate and even dissolve. Steadiness, patience, genuine care, acceptance of life, empathy, and the tendency to counter active energy with a slower pace and relaxed attitude. Notice and moderate emotions, pace, amount of advice. Develop and express own separate and independent self. Work at personal priorities and needs and encourage the Mediator to do likewise.

Genuine care, helpfulness, empathy, sensitivity regarding feelings, liveliness, and positive active energy. Work on own priorities, personal boundaries, and needs and encourage the Giver to do likewise. Take responsibility for own part in conflict. Be willing to confront intrusion and over giving. They can live parallel yet supportive lives with each taking on the tasks necessary to function and attain goals. They may even become competitive, experience one another as obstacles in the path of attainment and success, and feel insufficiently recognized.

enneagram type 4 and 7 relationship problems

A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can result when this occurs. Then each can get frustrated, impatient, angry, and distance himself or herself from each other, leading to alienation and distant co-existence or dissolution of the relationship.

Inattention to feelings and relationship issues, excessive focus on work and accomplishments, desire for too much recognition, and difficulty slowing pace. What to Appreciate in Other Performers. Notice pace and moderate pace and allow in the receptive force. Encourage expression of feelings in each other associated with the development of the receptive force.

Create time for non-work related activities and simply the relationship.

enneagram type 4 and 7 relationship problems

Recognize that love comes from being, not doing. Performers wanting approval try harder, yet often still disappoint the Romantic who pursues the ideal relationship. This pattern can result in a sustained gulf between them and even lead to dissolution of the relationship. Idealism, deep feelings, sensitivity to others, creative disposition, and quest for authenticity and depth.

Allow self to experience depth of true feelings and more receptive force. Pay attention to and support the relationship. Attention going to what is missing rather than what is present, imbalance regarding feeling versus doing preoccupation with feelings and sometimes inattention to doingdesire for more attention and special treatment, and tendency to become self-centered.

Support for action, sustained effort, optimism, practicality, goal focus, and competence. Stay active and present even when feeling deficient. Balance the human feeling side of endeavors with action. From my experience, Fours are okay with ordinary life as long as we manage to find some way to be in touch with something deeper in life.

The problem with ordinariness comes when ordinariness is all there is. All the stuff that nourishes us is deep in the earth, where the mysteries dwell Writing also pulls up that deep energy within me; and what spills out onto the page is always new. It can take months to write a book chapter or article, especially when the material is emergent. But it is such an interesting process, even with the frustration. I know I throw away two or three times as much material as I end up with; ruthless culling is the only way to create something people might actually want to read.

Discipline confers dignity, and dignity confers self-respect. We also sense when people are lying about how they feel. And we want it! The fancy term for this is introjection. I did some inner child work once, and was shocked to find a raging month old inside me, filled with both hatred and self-hatred. The hatred was for my parents, who knew more about sentimental affection than real love; the self-hatred was for me: They were trying, but like most of their generation, they really needed a breather after 20 years sunk the Depression followed by WWII.

But what did I know about that?

enneagram type 4 and 7 relationship problems

Like all kids, I wanted my needs met. For Fours, this can become a pretty nasty vicious circle. The only way out is retracing our steps back the way we came: When it happened to me, I cried for years and years; it takes a lot to wash out all that stuff inside. It was immensely helpful to me to discover that Type 4 was next to a zone of chaos on the bottom of the circle—lots of people have commented or written about that.

It was a relief to understand that the wildness I felt within me was natural, not something weird. It has a purpose, just as I do, just as life does.

Both Fours and Sevens love lively conversation and they can pass hours sharing with each other detailed accounts of the events of the day as well as their thoughts and reactions. Both Fours and Sevens love the finer things of life, travel, good food, wine, clothes, and furnishings, and, for better or worse, both can tend to overspend their incomes on what they consider life's necessities—caviar, champagne, and another trip to Europe. They both have a love of the new and a sense of adventure and romance that can keep their relationship fresh and lively for themselves and be a source of joy and inspiration for others.

Both types can be funny, irreverent, and entertaining. There is also an earthiness and bawdiness to both, as well as, paradoxically, a sophistication and elitism.

enneagram type 4 and 7 relationship problems

Being opposites, Fours and Sevens can balance each other: Fours bringing a sense of depth and interiority, while Sevens contribute a sense of fun and emotional resilience. Potential Trouble Spots or Issues Because they are so different in many ways, Fours and Sevens must have several strong points of attraction or else they will likely miss connecting with each other.

Unless some strong passion romantic, mental, or spiritual keeps them together, they are likely to fly apart if there are any deep disagreements or conflicts early in the relationship.