Husband pushed me down. Now what? - marriage relationships domestic | Ask MetaFilter
Pushing or Shoving; Pinning or Holding a Person Down; Confinement; Pinching; Hair-Pulling But not all abusive relationships involve physical violence. If provoked and pushed too far, the average man's angry feelings would more likely lead him to throw a punch. We also rarely see a man slap back because we . pushed, shoved or kicked you; held you down to keep you from leaving; slapped . partner that you are in a relationship with a an individual of the same gender.
Just get out already. This is a terrible manner of wasting time. It is absolutely the wrong answer in abusive relationships. Please separate and get your own counseling. His behavior is dangerous to you. You talk about pinning you to the bed as though it's not that bad. You yourself turn to violence when frustrated, and you need to learn new coping skills.
Your best option to remain safe is to leave. You may have good memories of this relationship, but a few good times aren't worth endangering your mental health at best and your life at worst. For the folks suggesting couples therapy. Guys, it's not right in abusive relationships. It makes the survivor of domestic violence less likely to leave a dangerous situation, and to take on more of the responsibility for trying to accommodate the abuser.
Set an example for survivors of domestic abuse and be strong for yourself.
When does an argument between lovers become domestic abuse?
I was in a relationship a lot like yours. My ex and I screamed at each other during fights. He would also throw things, or threaten suicide, or block me from leaving, or hold me down on the bed. It didn't get better. Despite attempts at therapy, despite my ex realizing that he was acting in fucked up ways, when his temper became inflamed, he would continue to act abusive, and destroy any sense of trust that had temporarily been rebuilt.
These patterns of behavior are very hard to change and unlikely to change while you are actively in a relationship. I think you should break up and work on yourself. The physical violence both the pushing down and the punching holes in doors is just the icing on the cake that confirms how awful things are overall, and an indicator that if nothing changes you are going to end up with more physical violence in the future.
So there's your choice -- do you think it is possible to change the communication styles and patterns of behavior that seem to have structured your relationship since the beginning, or is it better to just leave and start over with a clean slate?
None of us know you and know your situation; both are possible in theory but in your specific situation I would bet that your gut will tell you which is the correct option. Good luck in either case, and please don't just stay without a mutual commitment to change things very fundamentally, because as has been said the current situation is toxic and is headed into some very bad places.
Yeah, your sensors as to what's right are a bit warped. That can't be fixed.
Relationship Debate: “He Only Pushed Me One Time” | MadameNoire
It wasn't healthy for you three weeks in and it's only gotten worse. Get out and find help for yourself. You both need to learn better communication skills but that's not going to happen in this relationship.
You don't have to get a divorce right now, but you're not going about this relationship in any sort of healthy way. Op, if you're not already in individual therapy, I suggest you look into it. You've got a pretty nasty history and some anger management. I would like to note that even without this physical incident, your marriage sounds unhappy. That level of fighting likely feels normal to you, which is understandable, but it is really not something you have to live with.
It's also completely not okay for him to knock you over, leave you stranded at the store, or curse at you. I got out of my marriage largely because I was turning into the type of person who gets into these crazy fights, and I really don't want to be that person.
It wasn't a blame thing, my ex and I both contributed to the level of conflict. But I'm the only person I can change--and that meant extricating myself from a relationship that led me to act like a jerk. I'm not a jerk, I don't want to be one, so I got out of the situation. A temporary separation even just a few weeks sounds like a great idea. Being away from a situation, rather than in the middle of it, can be the easiest way to get a new perspective and see it clearly for what it is, without needing to make any long term decisions immediately.
However, even aside from the violent behavior, it does not sound like this marriage makes you very happy. You guys don't see each other, don't connect, and have really mean fights. And there doesn't seem to be any effort to improve any of these things. Violence aside, is that really what you want for yourself?
And, down the road, it also gives you the opportunity to build a healthy relationship with someone else, if that is what you want. At a minimum, I think it's a good idea to physically remove yourself from the situation. Believe me, if you tell any friend or relative no matter how distant they seem that your husband pushed you to the ground, they will lend you a guest room or couch for a while, most likely for free.
Give yourself a little distance on the situation to decide what you want to do. Maybe that's asking your husband to enroll in an anger management class as well as couples counselling. Maybe that's a divorce. But while you decide, please make sure you are physically safe. They realize that it's wrong and make real changes to take it seriously. But it doesn't sound like this is even remotely the situation here. Your husband has overreacted more than once and shown zero remorse or concern when treating you badly.
The shoving is definitely not good, but him leaving you at a store and having you walk home for two miles sounds horrible to me. Being mad at someone doesn't mean you get to ignore their safety and well being. The instances you describe sound very sporadic and you don't say much about your relationship in between.
Regarding these incidents, the concerning part to me is how he never acknowledged it was wrong, apologized, etc. Did you attempt to address these at all? I know the shoving that just happened, you haven't, but what about when he left you at the store at you walked? And outside these specific incidents, do you feel like he is controlling selfish in the relationship?
Does he blame you a lot for stuff or take things out on you? I don't see what marriage counseling can do when you haven't even so much as talked about these things that are bothering you and it's unclear whether he even sees any problem with them at all.
You haven't brought it up and he hasn't asked or shown he cares either. To me, it sounds like you're skipping the basic steps of trying to deal with this and going straight to counseling. I think this may just not be a good situation for you, but you sound hesitant to just leave now. I might tell him these incidents bother you, they are wrong, you shouldn't be treated this way, etc. You don't want to be in a marriage where you have to worry the next time there's a fight, he might hurt you, etc.
If he reacts the way I suspect he will, then you won't have to feel any doubt about leaving. FYI This is not how arguments happen in a healthy relationship. Leave before you get accidentally pregnant. Leave before he shoves you again, or worse. That's the only way to communicate that this was not ok.
Anything else condones it. Get therapy for yourself, so you don't pick or sustain relationships like this in the future. You deserve better than to repeat your shitty childhood. And it really can be so much better than this. However I have also taken a friend who was working night shifts and going nuts to the emergency room for a mental health break down and they said this was very common for people working night shifts and intense schedules that interfere with healthy night time sleep on a regular schedule.
I also think sometimes people miss signs that they needed to talk about things, or break up, very early on in the relationship and then that reality festers because they ignored the things that weren't working for them until they explode. Screaming at someone will not make them be or do what you need, and there is evidence that screaming is as psychologically damaging to kids as corporal punishment and perhaps we need to save this tool for dealing with conflict where someone has actually done something worth injuring them over.
But in those cases while it might make sense to scream, it would also make sense to report to the authorities and also never talk to the person again because WTF. You should not be screaming at your partner to deal with disappointments or conflicts of interests. If your partner doesn't understand or care about you, is hurting your feelings, neglecting you or is mistreating you, it's time to leave not scream. You can't make someone care about you or treat you how you like, especially not by insulting or raging at them.
The most you can do is find out what your own needs are and ask if they are mutually interested in or even able to do the things you wish they would, as well as whether you are interested in or able to do the things they are wanting out of a relationship.
Just so that you know many people have relationships without berating, screaming at, or insulting each other when difficulties come up. You need to know that there is so much more to life than this.
- Am I Being Abused?
- Relationship Debate: “He Only Pushed Me One Time”
In fact, my husband and I could never appreciate what we have if we hadn't gone through a bunch of crap beforehand. It's never too late to try something new and healthy.
Every day is a chance to make things better than they were before. If today sucks, tomorrow can be better, even in small ways. You need to give yourself this chance. You deserve wonderful things, and you can have them. Just read any account from any domestic violence relationship ever told. Three years from now you may very well not be able to get up from the ground at all and 8 years from now he'll be plotting your death.
Save yourself these years of not finding someone who will treat you well. You are lucky there are no kids involved yet because it means you can leave this guy for good. Once kids come in the picture keeping them and you away from him will be very difficult.
You don't seem to understand what a healthy marriage is about because of your childhood. Make sure to fix that while you're looking for your next guy. I'm saying get out of this now, but whatever you decide PLEASE don't get innocent children involved in this toxic relationship. If you stay with this guy make sure you're the only one that gets to put up with his emotional and physical abuse.
You know that you get physically violent and take steps to avoid it. He prevented you from leaving! Leaving an argument when it is upsetting for either person is the healthy and respectful thing to do. You two have fought like cats and dogs and his disrespect for your body autonomy will add a lot of danger to this situation.
You should lave and continue working on how to improve on the maladaptive skills you learned in your childhood home. He blamed you for sleeping and then started picking on you. When you stood up to him, he couldn't control you so he resorted to physical violence. You reacted to the abuse.
Same with the holding down and leaving you at the store. It's all to make you fall into line. Don't allow your reaction to his crazy making behavior guilt you into feeling that you have to stay and live like this.
You did nothing wrong by taking a nap, it was just an excuse to take his temper out on you. You are not a human to him, you are an object to be controlled.
When you don't allow him to control you, he erupts. The trouble is, nothing you do is ever going to be good enough, and you will always be at risk for this type of behavior erupting at any given moment.
Do you want to gamble on that because you feel guilty for your reaction to being verbally and physically attacked? If a perfect stranger were to shove you like that, what would you do? Would you stick around and stay near them? Or would you call the cops or run away? Because if I were walking down the street and someone shoved me, I would run away make myself safe and then call the cops and report it. Right now you are going through the calm period. So you are doubting yourself and wondering if you were to blame for his behavior because you were shouting.
As a matter of fact, no. And people who are implying that you too set each other off are wrong. You were sleeping and he started verbally abusing you when you woke up. Again, that is typical abuser behavior. It's very typical to have a nice wedding, and then right away, once you were married, he did something controlling by leaving you at the store.
Testing to see how much you would put up with. And now he knows you will put up with more and more abuse, verbal and now physical. So there's nothing to stop him from doing it again, whenever he gets ticked off, and as you can see, even the act of sleeping is enough to tick this guy off.
And you're left walking on eggshells, wondering what the hell is going on. Call the domestic violence hotline and get your own counselor. Do not go to couples therapy with him, it will be a miserable experience. If you have a place to crash for a few weeks or a month while you work this out in your head, all the better. If you do leave, I would not tell him in advance, I would make a plan and gather up my most important personal belongings and leave when he was at work. Best of luck to you. It may have been physical, a slap or a grab or a shove, it may have been something broken, it may have been social, with retaliatory rumors, it may have been sexual, with an affair.
Every single person here is guilty of seriously hurting someone in some way. Some have broken up. Some are trapped in a cycle of abuse. But some have learned from their mistakes and emerged stronger as a couple. Except in the most egregious of situations - a threat to one's life or primary well-being, where escape is the only viable solution - there is no "if A then B" plan.
In some cases, the injurious actions are a harbinger of worse things to come. In other cases, there is a single mistake, there is forgiveness, and discussions and understanding save the day. You seem concerned that he has not revisited the events of Christmas with you, but it doesn't sound like you've brought it up either.
Unless you feel reasonably confident he will become violent again if you bring up the situation - in which case you should certainly leave him, but that doesn't sound to me like the case from your description - it is worthwhile to bring up the issue, in a forgiving fashion, but with an ultimatum - "If you ever touch me again, I'll have to leave, and I'll have to call the police.
I can't live in an environment where the kinds of things that happened on Christmas happen again. There will be consequences if anything like this happens again.
But you will almost certainly get a far clearer understanding of where he's at. A lot of people here are recommending therapy, but, you know, it's a lot cheaper to just discuss things first, even when it's hard to bring it up or hard to talk. As for the verbal fight, I think Ursula Hitler has this: He's almost certainly aware that this is due to your work schedules, and he's almost certainly aware that you're sleeping due to your work schedule, but since he feels like that's out of his control, he doesn't bring it up.
While he was mad at you for sleeping - since that was the situation at hand - his reaction just seems like a very inarticulate way to say "I really hate we can't even do our yearly Christmas ritual because of our work schedules.
They get in the way of everything. I'm going to disagree with virtually everyone in this thread. It sounds like it's your work schedules that have the relationship in duress.
It sounds like this was a moment when he cracked and very likely did something he regretted, even if he didn't bring it up or apologize, and may not happen again so long as you make sure a boundary is set. I think you guys need to sit down and talk, you letting him know that violence just isn't OK, and both of you discussing the work situation and whether or not there are changes that can be made in schedules, or communicating schedules, or changing jobs, or better using time when you're together that will put less stress on your marriage.
Every single person in this thread, male or female, has taken things too far with a partner during an argument.
I have never done any of those things during an argument, nor have I had them done to me. FWIW, I don't think that the way that either you or your husband are engaging in conflict is healthy or normal--not the physical part or the verbal part. I think you could both use some professional help with these issues, but I am not comfortable giving you advice about whether it would be best to do that together or separately.
I have never done any of these things, and my partner has never done any of these things. We don't even shout at each other when we disagree. It is completely possible to have a relationship where this shit does not happen. I feel like this poster is making it seem like some sort of terrible outcome violence, cheating, breaking things, being extremely hurtful is almost inevitable when it comes to romantic relationships. You can have more, and you deserve more.
You need to seek immediate help from any sort of organization that provides support to battered women, or perhaps even a lawyer. Perhaps reconciliation is possible, but at the moment a pattern of behaviour has been set; this sort of abuse will likely continue. I'm really sorry to hear about this, but as I said there is nothing anyone on AskMetafilter can do to help you in your situation.
Keep your purse and keys near the door, and put an extra jacket, scarf, a couple of outfits, underwear,toothbrush, etc stuff you need to spend a few nights away in a weekend bagpre-packed, in the trunk of your car, so you don't have to go back home until you're very sure you'll be safe.
I don't blame you for not being able to throw away years of a relationship without reservations. But it does sound like you need to clear your head. Why don't you take some time off? He goes into treatment without victim.
He goes into treatment with no strings attached. The abuse is the responsibility of the batterer. There are several programs available for abusers to determine if treatment is necessary.
Frequently, the court requires that batterers seek treatment. Change does not happen overnight. Just like the behavior took time to learn, it takes time to change.
However, batterers must want to change. Some batterers will never change. Once the violence occurs, the chances are great that it will occur again, unless there is some kind of intervention. Abusers must learn to accept responsibility for their behavior. This is only possible with outside help.
Common Characteristics of Battered Women 1. Common Characteristics of the Batterer 1. Behavior of The Batterer in Court Batterers frequently present themselves in the following ways: The "real" victim in the family. Trying to keep the family together. May acknowledge "family problems" but will deny any violence. When confronted by his assaultive acts he may respond by saying: May make multiple Children's Protective Service reports alleging that his partner is neglecting or abusing the children.
May change lawyers, and aks for continuances to delay court hearings to increase his partners' financial hardship. May prosecute her when she has acted in self-defense, or will use the threat of prosecution to get her to return to him. May assert that he knows key people in the criminal justice system, and that there is no way that she will get justice reinforcing her helplessness.
May give erroneous information about the criminal justice system to his partner to confuse her or to prevent her from acting on her own behalf. May call her, before she is going to testify against him in a criminal case, to tell her it has been postponed or his attorney said she doesn't have to testify. Separation Violence Many, perhaps most, people believe that battered women will be safe once they separate from the batterer.
They also believe that women are free to leave abusers at any time. We have all heard, "All she had to do was leave. She brought it on herself.